Wrapped in a emotionless cocoon surrounded by a bleak future
Walking around as if invisible to faceless shapes whom used to be called ‘friends’…
They say going overseas changed a person, yet fail to mention the horrible reality of coming home
No one understands you, no one gets excited when the stories are told; just merciless gazes with unspoken words of jealousy.
Why am I ignored instead of called?
Why is the world filled with so many hypocritical judges waiting to slam the hammer of judgment on anyone deemed unfit by society’s standards?
Why do my male counterparts shove drinks down our throats with the mission to only get us fucked then fuck us instead of getting to know them?
Have woman been reduced so far in society that they only wish to have sex with us. And why do men treat those that are rich or conservative as future wives, yet woman that are so called ‘unsuitable’ or ‘easy’ are only seen as sexual objects and worth nothing more.
I may not look conservative or act friendly compared to others, but that does not give authority to treat me as if I am a blow up doll.
We have feelings too, we are humans!
Every day I dream of meeting someone who will treat me like a human being for the first time in my life. Who won’t verbally shit on me or set fire to the little trust left inside.
The other day I came to the realization of why so many woman fall in love with kpop stars, singers, or actors. They are physically unable to tell us no, literally not physically in reach to even date. So we fantasize
Fantasize that we meet our favorite singer on the streets, dream that they were our childhood friends an later discover they are our soulmates, illustrate complete stories of a love that can never go sour.
Personally, actively starting dreams off like this, I will enter another dimension that’s a delusion of the perfect life. Meeting a kpop star while working inside the entertainment company, and being treated for the first time as if I’m not invisible. Eventually he falls for me and we marry then have adorable babies together. But this is nothing but a dream.
However that dream lets me escape the harsh reality.
To be honest I don’t want to marry because it ends in failure, I don’t want to have a baby because it hurts and I’m afraid that I could become my father and treat them as trash (like he did unto me), I fear the future itself
Constantly shaking due to spasms of reality slapping one in the face. Spasms do to anxiousness of present tense or realism of people only acting with goals of self-satisfaction.
What is emotion but an unjust player deciding ones fate in the roller-coaster of life?
Unyielding to change, regardless of whatever methods one uses to derail destiny’s cruelness.
I have become that empty shell sitting on the sidelines of life
No longer being able to feel emotion
Trying to create some type of feeling by indulging in food, studying, and meaningless sex.
Reality is cruel that way, some people are blessed with a life of no disadvantages, no stranger telling them they are objects to satisfy others desires by all means necessary or that they are worth nothing in the world so why bother…
I don’t know how to save myself from this path to darkness. Nor is there any friends willing to listen due to being absorbed in their selfish bubbles of solitude.
Writing has only ever been the way to help. I write the countless worries surrounding and whispering I’m worth nothing. To output the deleterious judgements can only be done by the typing of words.
But more than just words, they are parts of my soul being slapped, stripped naked, and bared for the entirety of the world to see.
Furthermore the written word is not for anyone in particular, to write is to help conduct egotistical acts of good will onto one’s self…