Today I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do…
One of the things that I have been petrified of since I was a young teenager…
Talking to someone in depth about ending a relationship.
To some, they might laugh at this and think that I am joking, but it’s the truth. Even those who know me will be shocked at my childlike essence when it comes to relationships because I am seen as a girl who has had many past boyfriends. But in fact I am like a middle schooler when it comes to the emotion put into relationships and understanding the emotions normal people thrust towards their partners.
When I was younger I grew up having the idea of a relationship being that of the one I had with my father, or lack of one. He would abuse me emotionally and treat me like a thing and not a person. Then after all was over and done with he would say he was sorry and that he loved me; over and over, never truly meaning it. So eventually I became numb to these type of situations, becoming an expert on how to avoid fights and avoid revealing my own personal feelings.
This carried onto my actual relationships when I started dating in eighth grade. Fell head over heels for my first boyfriend and thought the world revolved around him. It was because I lacked so much love from my father that I wanted to get it anywhere else that it was available. But then when I thought his feelings were wavering for another I ended it without knowing why. Later I associated this feeling with being afraid of being rejecting. I think this is why I have always been the one to end relationships and never the guy. I was scared of falling for the man only to be rejected in the end. However it’s not to say I stayed away from guys, it was just that I was drawn to men who were exactly like my father in personality.
Yet most of them treated me right it was just my fault because I was scared. But in college things started to change, I forced myself to try in the relationships and grow as a person. My first boyfriend in college was a guy named Elliot who seemed nice at first but shifted dramatically after a two to three months of dating. We went to one of my sorority parties and he got drunk then treated me like shit, and our breakup three weeks later was a messy one. Everyone took his side claiming that I broke up with him because I didn’t want him to find out that I cheated with him, but the real reason was that it took cheating on him to realize how unhappy I actually was with him. Yet once people hear the word cheated they never look past to the question of why it happened in the first place, especially since I have never done it once with my previous 5 boyfriends that I had before him.
The second guy I dated in college was my sophomore year to a guy one year older than me, and I fell hard for him. He was everything that I liked; smart as hell, good looking, treated me right, and kind of sure of himself which is what I love in a guy. But we broke up a month before the fall semester ended due to me leaving and not wanting to have it end in a really bad way. He thought I was selfish for doing what I did and became very angry with me, never knowing the truth…. That I cried for the first time after breaking up with a guy with him. He was my first and I liked him more than words can express, he was my best friend and I could talk about anything with him.
Now to my most recent boyfriend…. My mistake.
He was Korean and seemed to be the nicest guy ever, before dating he treated me right and we could talk for hours on end. Then everything changed as soon as we started going out, like a switch. It started out bad right off the bat. We went out to dinner together after a week of dating for the first time, and the first thing out of his mouth was that he was disappointed in me for choosing to see a kpop concert instead of getting a tour of a car company. He basically chewed me out for not going and saying that I was an incredibly selfish person for even thinking about going. Needless to say our lunch was filled with anger towards him for picking that time, after a week of not seeing each other, to say something like that.
The next fight was ten times worse. We were walking to go and eat chicken near our University and he starts off by saying that I am incredibly rude towards Koreans because I am always judging them. Saying that I am in Korea so I have to follow what they do and not complain, that I was a horrible person for not just adapting to everything people say about Korea. And that I was insensitive and so on. Then he went on to say that I am horrible at English and should not correct people unless I know the exact grammatical reason why the words do not sound right in certain sentences he was saying. I am a native English speaker as well as teach students English in my free time. I may not understand the step by step reason why certain English phrases don’t make sense, but I can explain to my students in a way that they understand ten times better than getting into the whole grammar process.
From there the fights kept escalating and becoming worse, more so with him constantly putting me down and making me feel like the shitty person who was treating him like garbage when it was the other way around. He even said once that I need to change my personality because I am incredibly rude. Funny thing is that when I asked all of my friends if I treated them badly or if I was rude they answered no. They understood that my personality was different than theirs and accepted me regardless without requiring me to completely change. They like me for who I am and think that I am a nice person. Funny thing is, they have never been out of Korea or if so they went to Europe, yet he has been in the states for a year and does not understand me at all.
Even when having a conversation tonight to decide what to do about us fighting all the time he kept blaming me and saying that it was my fault for always fighting. That he was tired of me disrespecting him, that I needed to learn when to respect people in a relationship. But I was respecting him; I respected that during my summer school he had a job to do and could not spend time with me, I respected that he wanted to keep our relationship a secret so that he didn’t get in trouble. So don’t tell me that I respected nothing you bastard! He even went as far as to say that I didn’t respect Korean culture at all and just made fun of it all the time. That I will never be able to experience Korean Culture or understand the society as a whole because I don’t want to. Which means he would never understand me. I am an International relations major with a focus in Asian relations, if anything I was examining the Korean culture and how it’s different from western culture and would make observations about what a majority of the society did. He was just incredibly sensitive to everything and saw it as me making fun. What he said hit home to me because it felt like he was saying that I could never become an expert in my field, especially since he constantly made fun of my Korean to the point that I refused to even speak in front of him in fear of criticism. Even if I pronounced correctly he would yell at me and then start a fight over that.
Finally the nightmarish relationship ended tonight…. Finally.
We ended it with a long adult conversation, and with it I conquered my fear of talking about relationship matters to a person. We talked for two hours straight just about how we viewed the relationship and what went wrong. Even with things such as what we thought made all the fights happen. Coming to the conclusion that our personalities just didn’t match, that we brought out the worst in each other. I came to the conclusion that we were better as just friends, which is for the better because no matter how much I wanted to believe he could change, I knew deep in my soul that he would never change. This was because it was not one particular part of him that I had a hard time with, it was his entire personality. The fact that he was always serious about every single thing that he did and that he just reminded me so much of my dad. How he always had to be right, and if you disagreed then he would get pissed and say that you always have to know all and never let him talk and always dismiss him when he’s speaking. In reality I sat their quietly and whenever he started a fight in a restaurant I tried to change the subject so that we didn’t fight in such a public space, which made him angrier.
The most hurtfully thing he said the whole night though was after we broke up and decided to stay friends when walking back to the dorms. He said ‘I will never date a white girl again, and if I do it will be Lauren.’ He knows that his girl and I do not get along the best and the fact that he called me a ‘white girl’ hurt me more than words can say. I am not an object, I am a frirkin living human being. Know I understand a bit of what colored people back in the states feel. Instead of judging us by our color can’t we just all be humans together? I mean the last time I checked we all have the same organs and body parts, even the same skin that just happens to be a shade darker or lighter. And the way he said it made me feel like he was just dating me to say he’s been with a white girl. Which is the norm here in Korea, men like to date American girls because for one they think we put out and two it’s seen as award worthy accomplishments to have dated a white woman. The world can truly be disgusting to live in.
All my life I have just wanted to understand relationships, understand why people act the way they do and why they feel so much happiness from one person’s attention. To experience the love that people have only explained to me. For once I want a man who teats me right, who does not make me feel more insecure but confident both in personal and work life, someone who will not let me break up with them to run away from my true feelings because they love me that much, and mainly someone who understands my screwed up personality and will accept it with welcoming arms instead of trying to change me.
The one thing no one knows about me is that I have a thought that pops in my head every time I break up with a guy….
‘Please, just this once hold onto me. Don’t say you still want to date but walk away from me at the same time. Hold onto me, grab me with all your might and say you never want to leave my side. That you want to be with me forever and work this out.’
I’m beginning to feel as though this will never happen, guys now a days will go along with what a girl says, they no longer fight for what they want. Or at least I have not met any yet.
So even though this last boyfriend turned out to be a part of a nightmare he helped me finally pass the step of talking to someone about my true feelings, without holding anything back. I will never regret having dated him because I learned so much from this almost three week relationship. I have a feeling the next one I enter will be the big one. It will only be if I’m 100% sure he’s the right one for me and I have known him for at least 5 months or more. Enough to peek into his true personality. He has to be fun and adventurous, always willing to try new things. This is what I want in life…
I am finally ready to play in the big pool god, please steer me the right way because I’m in your hands from now on….