Has anyone felt invisible? The reason why I started writing this post 6 years ago was to cope. To cope with the constant pain internally that was ripping my soul apart. Whether it was the knife piercing my chest, praying to dear god for death, something to ease the numbness. Or the starvation to achieve a body in order to gain little notice by a father who was never there. I tried everything. The thing that hurt the most though was nothing I did to myself, but from what others did to me. Constantly deeming the issue my fault, that I was the cause. Only when I started writing my feeling anonymously did the pain slowly go away. Letter by letter tears were shed; word by word emotions bottled up for years flooded out; paragraph by paragraph I changed; and post by post then year by year the scars pasted up were ripped open and another person emerged. Hell, sometimes it feels like nothing changed though.
I may have escaped from contemplating suicide and anorexia, even emotional abuse. But, the years of turmoil take a toll on a person’s body. I developed trust issues in men, nonexistent confidence in school, and a habit for becoming two faced. One side a fake as hell friend that pretends to enjoy peoples company, seeking comfort in random men’s arms, preaching that being a slut is ok. But the real me, one no one know nor will ever discover, has deep emotions. Dreams up a perfect life of serenity, one where the dad never abandoned the kids for a gold digger, where self-loathing was a daily task, and where I was not a coward.
But, slowly, I am changing. Or at least trying. I think everyone that has a hard time in life just needs another person to believe in their stories. Personally, the worst thing ever said to me was that I was lying about my dad abusing me to gain attention. Not only was this spouted by teachers in my school, but also my young life leader, whom I highly respected beforehand. No one needs to be told their problems are nonresistant, everybody matters in life. Listening is the difference between holding the knife and spilling a little blood to killing the lifeless soul inside.
Besides this post, another thing that helped were songs. I must have listened to Concert Angles a million times, cried every time too. But the event that changed me was after standing up to my father, only then did I understand the meaning of the song. You have to face what scares you most in life to discover who you truly are.
Another song, and artist, that I respect the most in the entire world would have to be a Chinese singer named Z. Tao. He was originally a part of a world renown Korean pop group called Exo. However, after being forced to perform with a broken leg, along with other countless injustices he broke free to do his own music back in china. His song TAO amazed me because at the time my father had just threatened to stop paying my school tuition while I was in Korea. I felt so hopeless. But then after listening to his music I felt ten times better.
However, there is one thing you should know, I only like artist’s music, and the profound meaning that is behind it. I hate it when women absent mindedly follow groups or singers biased on their looks. Especially when they sit there defending a group who has clearly put out a shitty song. The world needs to be filled more with people who write songs that actually matter, not repetitive shit like shinee or bts (fire) songs. You can disagree if you wish because this is all personal feelings and someone needs to stop sucking up to fan clubs. Haha, maybe I’ll start writing reviews of kpop songs and mv’s on here, the reality of whether they suck or are amazing since no one else will do it.