Today I realized something...
Something that I never thought I would admit...
I miss home.
It finally hit me how lonely it is to live in a foreign country, especially one that barley anyone speaks English. I kept telling myself over the past couple of months that it’s ok to feel lonely because I still have my two friends who are still on campus. But, truth be told, they have their own lives and own friends. They are most likely annoyed that I am always texting them asking if they want to have a meal together or go do something together. Plus they have their own thing to do.
In all honesty, I have only had two friends my whole life who genuinely wanted to be around me for long periods of time plus go on adventures with me. Even my sorority sisters never felt that welcoming. We would have nights where they would drink and watch movies or they would go out drinking with each other, yet I was never invited once and even if I was I never felt like I fit in. But it was still better than being alone. Truly alone.
I never understood what it meant to be truly alone, I guess I took the nice feeling of having friends for granted. People would invite me to things and instead I would reject them and have a night alone, always saying that I will contact them the next time. However one thing that I have learned over everything is that there is never a next time. If you always wait until next time then you will end up how I am now. Spending your days inside your room watching countless kpop videos to the point the people inside the videos themselves start to feel like your friend.
To have no one to talk to nor do things with is the most painful thing on earth. Everyone needs a friend to go shopping with or clubbing or even just to talk to for person to person contact. But I don’t have any of that here. The most contact with people I get is texting my so-called friends. I say so-called because they will plan to eat a meal or go out during the weekend with me. Thus I get super excited and turn down invitations to do things with other people. In the end however I get jilted since these ‘friends’ cancel last minute to say they made other plans. Plans that only appeared suddenly one to two days after we already made plans to hang out. I am getting so tired of all of it. Even though my sisters back home might have not wanted to spend every second with me they at least made plans and stuck to them. And wanted to do almost all the things I suggested that we should do to pass time.
Even guys are the same when it came to dating here. I just wanted a funny, kind, and easy going guy to date; nothing serious, just a person to spend time with and get the humanly comfort that every species craves. But the first one was so scared of speaking English to me and frustrated I would not let him sleep with me that he just stopped talking to me out of the blue. The second guy was just one that I liked, he was evidently so repulsed by me that I was the only foreigner that he would not spend any time with. He would even hang out with all the Japanese girls but if I ever invited him to hang out with me and my friends he would instantly deny. Really boosts a girl’s confidence. Then there is my ex, he constantly put me down for my personality and would get angry if I didn’t agree with everything he said. Because, according to him, ‘Koreans know everything and I know nothing so I should just listen to him.’ He even went as far as saying the most racist and offending words that I have ever heard in my entire life; he said ‘I will never date a white girl again.’ It may not seem that bad to some but in the context of how he said it and right after we broke up was where it became offensive. To be truthful he was the one who broke it off; yea, I told him that I just thought we would be better off as friends, but I also said that I would be fine with staying together too and that it was his choice in the end because I could not decide. He could have easily said he didn’t want to break up with me as he did the breaking up if he truly liked me. I am still an old fashion girl where if a guy is man enough he will take what he wants. He should have said, ‘No, we can work this out, I know it. We are not breaking up because I like you too much to not see where this relationship could go.’ But guys now a days aren’t men in my opinion. They have lost chivalry that once existed long ago. The grace that made boys men and woman know that the man would never act disgraceful.
I think the main two reasons why I have not made many friends here is because I am scared of things I’ve never done before and I make up too many excuse to not do something because of being afraid of meeting someone new by myself. Literally almost every single friend that I have made was through another friend, it was not me just going up to them and saying hi. Even the friends that I have met by myself were the ones who came up to me first to say hi. I am such a scared cat that I can’t just go up to a random person and start talking to them, especially if they only speak Korean because I am not confident enough with my Korean to speak with them. Plus they are all afraid of me because I speak fluent English. Sometime I just wish everyone could be drunk all the time because that’s when everyone opens up the most to strangers. Then I would have so many friends here in Korea because they would no longer be afraid of speaking English to me and I would no longer be afraid of speaking Korean to them.
I am also immensely jealous of the other American here. I have been here for 7 months and the only friends I have made is some Koreans at the University and Foreign friends who left after this semester. She has been here for two months and has already made a huge group of not only friends but Korean friends. They absolutely love her because she can speak Korean. Every single person in the International Office dotes on her for being so fluent and for the fact that she is planning on teaching in Korea. It’s just annoying because I tried for so long to make friends but my weaknesses got in my way of meeting new people. The weakness of wanted only to stick by those that I know already. I am scared shitless of things that I don’t know.
But I want to change so badly. It’s weird, but when you are about to turn 21 you start to think about so many things.
All the situations that could have happened if you didn’t say no just to be alone. All the friends that I could have made if I just didn’t shut myself off worrying whether or not I am bothering them. And all the things I could have done in Korea if I didn’t wait for my guy friend; one who always makes plans with me but cancels anyway last minute because he suddenly made plans with some seniors to drink. But then gets mad if you are upset with his sudden cancellation. I just keep thinking about how much better it’s going to be when I go back to the states, to my home University where people actually want to spend time with me.
But this isolation is too much sometimes, so many things I want to cross off my bucket list before I leave Korea in 3 months, hell all the things I wanted to do before my birthday that’s next month.
I wanted to go bungee jumping off a 22 story high crane before I turned 21.
To go clubbing in Gangnam with a group of girl friends and meet tons of hot and rich Korean guys.
I wanted to experience camping underneath the stars on top of a mountain.
Go to a Kpop concert of Super Junior or one of my favorite groups before I got too old to go to any anymore.
TO discover something new about myself.
To have a wild fling with a handsome Korean guy who I would never date normally, someone who was adventurous and incredibly attractive and could dance or sing like no other and would introduce me to things that I never imagined possible for me.
To travel to Jeju with friends and spend a week exploring.
TO find a clothes style that actually fit me for once, and not just me but my body shape. One that makes me look incredibly sexy while at the same time professional.
More than anything I just want to find my purpose in life.
You know, one thing that they don’t teach you in school is how to grow up from a child into an adult. My mother and sisters make adulating seem so easy but in fact it’s incredibly difficult. I don’t know what I am going to do after I get back. I am scared shitless that not a single master’s program is going to accept me and on top of that no job will be willing to hire me. I’m afraid that it’s a problem that I have been in Korea for 7 months and still am not able to speak in sentences nor understand half of what people say to me.
I am scared I will become my sister, with no job while living in my husband’s parents’ house trying to raise a baby we can’t afford. Or worse… living on the streets too embarrassed to face my family because I’m ashamed of being a failure, and only dating guys who treat me like shit because they are the only ones that seem to like me.
Not one single time in my life have I had a guy make me feel special nor understand the way I view the world nor understand my hidden wishes.
Even though one pushes people away does not mean they want no company; in fact it means the opposite, they desperately need someone to trust that they will always be there for them before they can completely give their whole heart over.
I have always been this way, I wanted just one guy to yell that they wanted me. That they were not going to break up but fight for the things that wished for, which would be me.
To be lonely is the single saddest thing on earth, to have no one is the same as being a ghost. You can just watch those around you but never connect.