First time is the scariest time

Just sitting in my room, clutching my chest, wondering why it hurts so much.

Only two days past…

Five more to go…

What is this feeling I have never felt in my life?

He saw while I unknowingly looked away, a small root established in the back of his head.

Two months later destiny makes a play, once again seeing as I am still blind.

Like a lion hunting his pray, he awaits for me to leave the restroom.

A confident hi and some drinks later, we seem to talk forever.

However parting ways was a must, since my friend wanted a club.

Yet now I was the one with a memory not easily forgotten,

So I picked up the phone and sent a message that change my destiny.

I never knew if it was possible to feel this way around a guy, all my life I have been shut off from the world of love. Always telling my friends that love is just fiction made up by media to sell movies, products, and games. Yet here I am sitting in my room, questioning whether one was presumptuous in calling the game too quickly.

He makes me feel comfortable around him, makes me laugh, and not once have we gotten into a fight.

Officially it’s been a week and one day since we started dating, but I have done more in those days then I have in a lifetime of dating. And I am not talking about the physical stuff. For the first time in my life I am genuinely attracted to a man. Before it was just dating because that’s what you do, it’s the norm. Yet, I never felt that spark, just emptiness and the need for someone to force me to care. Going through the motions without any emotions. I hurt some guys and even more hurt me, spreading vicious rumors; slut, whore, unemotional… robot…

One can’t help having no emotions, learning at a young age that the words ‘I love you’ will always be followed by ‘you are a disgrace to life’, ‘you will never amount to anything’, and other degrading phrases to make someone feel less than trash or scum. To me, love is just a phrase people use to get what they want. Whether it’s a girl, sex, money, freedom, or even revenge. So many people use it for bad that the three simple words that used to mean so much know is used as easily as gum. To be chewed up and thrown away. Yea, sure, the feeling is great at the beginning; but near the end the only thing left is a tasteless unrecognizable shape made out of sinful ingredients.

So I made a promise to myself a very long time ago, I would never say ‘I love you’ to a man I was dating. Even to my parents I fake it because it would hurt them too much if I never said it. However towards a man, I will never say it. Believing strongly that the first time I say it to a man will be with the one I will spend the rest of my life with.

This is the scary part… I know this guy is not him.

But he will get the closest to opening up my heart then anyone ever has before. I’m afraid I might say the words do to the extent of my feelings for him. That he will be the first man to break my heart, the first man to steal my heart, and the first man to break up with me.

He has already taken many of my firsts in terms of emotion. The first time I have stayed at a guy’s apartment, first time I have traveled with a man, first time I have taken a shower at a man’s place; and the biggest step of all for me, first time I have ever owned something at a man’s place and left it. Granted it’s just a toothbrush to any other girl, but to me that toothbrush is a representation of my heart. A part of me that is naked for him to see. One no one else has seen before. It is a symbol that for the first time, I am letting a man into the cage around my heart that’s heavily guarded. For 21 years I have kept it safe from the harm of heartbreak. Yet the scratches are appearing and the walls are weakening.

Can someone be capable of this?

Am I, a person who used to play with feelings, aloud to commit such a selfish act?

To open myself to wonder?

Allow my naked emotions to lay bare for all to see…?

I don’t think I’m ready for these kinds of feelings, I am too young.

It’s too soon for me to get caught in the web of lies that surround the imaginary belief of love, I still have many dreams to accomplish. Something one can’t do with a man holding them down.

Maybe this is something to just have fun with, not letting feelings escape through the box, and leaving the event in the past with the dust. I don’t think I am physically or emotionally ready for this type of thing. To cause my head to fog and my knees to weaken under my dream.

I don’t want to end up like my sister, unemployed mother living with her parent-in-laws. To be stopped into such a set grave for the rest of my life, hating the one who made me give up my dreams, I never want this.

 

However if there is a man, whether this one or a future one, who is willing to do our own things or follow me. I will keep that man forever, because he will be the only one to truly understand me.

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Comments (1)

  1. BostonBill

    Nice write. I agree with you, to early. BUT, some times the right partner / spouse can help you to reach your dreams. If you find him… you will be one of the lucky ones. Remember… not all dreams are meant to happen as you plan them. and some are never going to be met. Good luck!!!

    October 19, 2015