Last semester the unmentionable happened, I failed my basic Korean Conversation class. I know it was partially my fault as well as the teachers. I didn't make enough time to study and work on the rest of my classes as well as work. I was stupid. But the teacher also never took the time to explain the grammar to me and would simply say all I needed to do was memorize the material that I didn't need to understand. However I'm the type of person who has to completely understand the concept before I can even begin to use it.
Yet, I still needed to have a passing grade of Korean. So I took it upon myself to enter an intense level one Korean class. I have been doing good but not well in the class. I mean I study ten times more than I did last semester and understand almost all the material, but now there is something blocking me.
Something I have no control over. It's a little voice telling me that I am going to fail the class again. That on Friday when I go to get my certificate of completion they are going to laugh again and say there is none for me. All week I have been having nightmares, which cause stress, then I don't get a full sleep and am tired as a result, which causes more stress. It seems no matter how hard I have studied I am not good enough. That I will never get the certificate because I am stupid and have been lying to myself as well as everyone else. Maybe I just am not cut out to be an international relations major, maybe I should just stay in some English speaking country because learning a language has become a sort of trauma for me.
Every single time I go to study I get a pain in my chest and my head shuts down. I get so scared my body literally convulses involuntary. I can't even sleep.
Tomorrow is the big day, the day we have a majority of our final exams for my Korean class. Part of me knows I can do it. That I know more then I think and all I have to do is calm the fuck down. Yet another part, the one that betraying me, keeps saying all the things I should have studied more.
I should have practiced writing transportation, calls, family, health, and hobby’s more. I should have forced myself to study even though my body was physically and mentally rejecting it. But I'm too scared. Scared of no paper being there for me. Scared of letting down so many people who gave me a second chance. I really did work my ass off this semester yet it feels as though none of it shows. Just below average scores on quizzes, and a high 70 on my midterm. Which is really bad.
I want more than anything to pass. I don't care about anything else. TO me, that certificate means that I belong in my major, that I have a chance to work in human rights in Korea or any Asian country.
But more than anything, it means I’m worth something, that I am not a failure that I always thought I was. My entire life I have been told by teachers and professors that I am slow, that I would never go to college because I was mentally stupid. They purposely put me in special education classes thinking that I could never handle a normal class. Eventually I came to believe it too. Now when I see an important quiz, assignment, or test that is hard, instead of tackling it head on I avoid it. Try to ignore the problem until eventually it becomes so big it causes panic attacks that are only of nightmares.
I cannot tell you how many times I have made excuses why I didn't do an assignment or why they should give me an extra day or week. When I came to this college I promised to myself I would stop making excuses, however old habits die hard. I did it again and now I feel incredibly unprepared for this test tomorrow. Speaking I feel a little better with. It’s the writing, grammar, listening I am scared shitless of. Like they are going to do a grammar I don't understand or an essay I didn’t practice the writing with enough. I'm going to fail again and it’s going to be all my fault. I'm not going to get that certificate.
I so much don't want to go Friday to the graduation ceremony because all I am picturing is everyone has a certificate but me. I am the only one without it again. People whispering behind my back again. Afraid to talk to the girl who failed Korean twice...
What do I do if this happens...
I am a failure..
I will never be able to see myself with any worth...
When I look into my future, I honestly see myself as a woman working at a McDonalds and still not getting it right.
I ask god why he made me like this. Why am I always the one who gets challenged? Why can't for once I do something right? How can I seem to understand Korean perfectly well and speak it every day yet when it comes to a test I suck?
I don't understand...