I have figured it out….
The universe likes to play jokes on everyone, especially me when it comes to finding the right person to like. All of my life I have had relationship problems due to not knowing what one is actually like. My father is the one to blame; from ignoring me when growing up even thought I gave him so much love and tried to be the perfect daughter for him it didn’t stop him from telling me how worthless I was and that I did not have a heart or was even a person since his girlfriend didn’t like me. He blamed me for our bad relationship; when in reality I tried so hard to get along with her but in order to get my father’s money she would lie to him and say that I was a complete bitch to her. Since I have never had love from my father I tried to use the left over love in my friendships, putting in 100% to be the best friend possible but in the end just having them treat me the same. That I was too clingy or people making fun of me throughout my school years saying that I liked girls. None of this was true. Each time someone left me or told me that I was too burdensome, or even said that I should stop caring as much I showed that it did not bother me. But behind closed doors I cried, slowly shutting everyone out.
I am an emotional disaster, no one will ever be able to fix the doubts that I have in my self. Every new friendship I start I am worried that if I show my true self they will run away or tell me the same things that I have heard all of my life.
“You are shit” “Stop trying so hard” “No one likes a person who acts like you” “Your fucken stupid”
“How could someone be as gullible as you” “You don’t have any feelings” “No one cares about you”
“You’re a piece of shit, who would ever like you” “An adult cry’s, why don’t you?” “Why do you suck at relationships?”
Every word, every single sentence is like a dagger in my heart. And every time you say this to me I become a little less emotional, stuffing all of my feelings in a jar that is too small. Suffering from panic attacks because I know if I do finally voice my opinions or emotions, like I have in the past, there is always someone standing there to say “stop acting like a baby!” I AM A PERSON TOO! I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH THE SAME DIGNITY TOO!!!!
All of this has effected how I perceive a normal relationship. “You are not allowed to show your real personality, people will leave if you do. But don’t act too nice, just keep your mouth shut and agree with everything they say. If a guy treats you like crap it does not matter because this is what a relationship is supposed to be. If the guy treats you like an angle then there is something wrong, leave him, he does not treat you right.” This is what goes through my mind every time I meet someone. I have been in countless emotional abusive relationships, thinking that this is the only way someone shows that they love you. I have tried to kill myself, holding a knife to my chest with tears rolling down my cheeks hopping that it will all end. “If I have the courage to stab myself then maybe it will all end. I can finally be with someone who will accept me for me…… I can be with god.” However I am too afraid of death that I couldn’t even cut myself. I actually convinced myself that I was selfish for not putting pressure on the knife and ending this miserable life. That I was a failure for not even killing myself.
Know you now you’re truly screwed up when those thoughts pop up in your head….
Regardless I am trying to change myself, slowly I am trying to convince my mind that if a guy is nice to me that’s normal. Instead of running away try to run towards him. Stop going to the guys who treat you like crap, if they call you names and constantly put you down then that’s not a relationship. To everyone else this might seem silly, you might even question whether I am being over dramatic or over sensitive. But to me it one of the hardest things to do, to get up every morning and tell myself that it’s ok to be me. To not stab my heart to end the pain but to instead strive to live every single day to the fullest. That eventually it will get better.
Regardless no matter how hard I try to improve it seems the Universe stops me, putting obstacles in my path for its own amusement. There have only been two guys in my entire life I have been willing to let my guard down to, but each time I end up losing my chance at finally gaining emotional freedom and tasting that perfect relationship. And when I say perfect relationship its different then what you perceive one to be. To me if a guy care wholeheartedly for me, does not emotionally abuse me, treats me like a human, tries to encourage my dreams while at the same time keeping his own, and will never leave me no matter how hard it gets is what a perfect relationship is. I don’t care if we have little fights or sometimes get on each other’s nerves, because it’s better than having someone you care for tell you that you will never be good enough. The first guy that I discovered was a guy named Tyler, in High School we would spend the entire lunch period just talking and joking around. Then at night I would text him till 3 or 4 in the morning about random stuff that would not make sense to others. I fell for him, but was afraid of what kind of relationship I would have with him, scared shitless of being happy. So instead I threw myself at other guys, boyfriends who treated me like shit and even at a guy who was so afraid to be seen with me that he told no one how we felt about each other. However after a year my feelings for this guy were too much, I fell for him hard yet was too scared to confess my feelings. Eventually I had to movie to Texas because of family, but when I said goodbye he said something that changed my life. He told me he had feelings for me since the beginning. I was pissed at him for not saying anything till then, but even more upset with myself for not having the courage to tell him first.
Now the same thing is happening again. He started out as a good friend in a foreign country. We spend hours teasing each other in between my classes, and text even longer. I didn’t notice it at first that I liked him, it’s one of those things that just creep up on you. We have the type of chemistry that you only see in movies. Slowly I started to notice that I was looking at him without knowing and started to become attracted to him without realizing. When I finally came to terms for my feelings for him it was too late. He is leaving for China for a master’s program and then will come back to Korea in two years’ time. By then I will be graduating from my home University in the states and off to a masters school for two years.
Which is why I keep picturing the Universe chuckling at me, teasing me. Saying, You messed up so many relationships that we think it would be funny to send you the one man you feel completely comfortable with then rip him away when you finally let all of your guard down.” To top it off I went on a walk/run with him last night, it was the best walk I have even been on. We talked for what seemed like forever, I got to secretly watch him exercise, I even got to get a bit close to him and grab on his arm (which is incredibly muscle). But on the way back he kept saying he would not walk me back to my dorm because he did not want people to get the wrong impression and think we were dating. I found it funny at first… until he texted me this morning saying that it would probably be best if we did not walk together anymore. Again he said the same thing, but this time it hurt. I felt like he was telling me that I could not be good enough to be his girlfriend. He said it was for my sake that “I should walk with someone that I like.” I so badly wanted to scream at him that I was, and ‘how stupid could you be not to realize that I was flirting with you the entire time!!!” But instead I just said ‘I don’t care. I enjoy walking with you.” Yet it’s not equivalent to confessing my feelings. I feel that it’s unfair to tell him when he’s about to leave. We could not do anything anyway.
Yet one question keeps popping in my head…
Should I just tell him and see what happened? Should I finally force myself to take the final step into being normal? To doing something that I once considered impossible?
I feel maybe instead of the universe laughing at me this time it’s trying to force me to do something unspeakable. To say three words that I have been scared of my entire life…